The no holding back on how I use to feel.
It took 3 years for me to get out of my CF-induced-coma-funk I was in after learning that my first-born, Andrea, had cystic fibrosis. Three years of crying, of feeling depressed and anxious, feeling desperate and angry all mixed into one huge giant ball of emotions. The emotions weren't good. I tried my best to not let it consume everything in my life. I still had to be a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend and carry-on despite not wanting to sometimes.
I wish it hadn't taken that long for me to refocus on all the wonderful beauty that surrounded me and continues to surround me everyday since. But I am human and make mistakes and thankfully learn from them. Does that mean I won't make any more mistakes? Hell no. I have and I will but luckily they've been less and hope they continue to be far and few in-between from now on.
The crying came from all my fears. Fear of Andrea getting sick, fear of me not being able to keep up with the demands CF brings, fear of letting everyone around me down because I was letting myself down, and the worst fear…fear of burying my child AND fear of dying before her and not being there to take care of her.
Yep…that's how my brained worked. I would think "how could I survive planning a funeral for my baby" and then at the same time think, "I should be the one to plan the funeral for my baby". I mean, I'm mama...I'm the one that kisses the boo-boos, wipes away the tears, cleans the scrapes and cuts and bandages them all up. So I should be the one to take care of her should CF gain control and take her away from us way before her time. UGH…I hated feeling like that.
I can honestly say I haven't felt those fears in a long time. They creep up every once in a while but they're pretty self contained. I do cry more than what I think I should. I learn of parents losing their child to CF and I cry. I see friends living despite having lost their child to CF and at times it makes me cry. Recently, I know of a woman that if she doesn't receive new lungs soon, will die and leave behind a husband that dotes on her and a daughter who was a miracle for them both…and I cry. #PrayforTricia
I work hard at not letting the bad things in life consume me. Sometimes that means I stop reading about CFers not doing well, I may even "hide" them from my Facebook thread just to give myself a break from all the heartache. I eventually "unhide" them to then "hide" them again should I feel my emotions are starting to get too worked up. I do whatever it takes to take care of me so I can take care of everyone I love.
It's Great Strides fundraising season right now--and thanks to all the social media applications we have today--many of us take advantage of it to spread awareness with hopes of getting a few more dollars towards funding the research that will save my daughter's life. That will save the lives of the 70,000 CFers world wide. It also means there are many more notices of those not doing well due to CF complications, but I won't be "hiding" anyone right now. I'm feeling determined to continue my CF crusade to end it's miserable existence and I will do it in honor of Andrea, in honor of all CFers healthy and not-so-healthy and in memory of those who's spirit is still with us guiding us to continue the fight. The fight that will make CF stand for Cure Found!
Who's with me?!
You?
I sure hope so! :)
http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/AndreasAngels
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