I don't think I've spoken this out loud to anyone.
I wrote a little on Facebook about fear and how it keeps me going. I fundraise, I ask, I partake, I volunteer, out of fear. Here's what I put on Facebook...
I fear what CF may cause to my baby girl, I fear losing more loved ones to this disease, I fear belonging to that “club” of mother’s grieving the loss of their child;Of these fears, I left the biggest-fear-of-all out...
but what I fear the most is…
Not doing my part for when we find THE CURE! With the love, support and on-going donations from people like you I know we will find a CF cure and not being part of that, not being able to boast about all your help causes me the most fear.
What I fear the most (besides the fear of losing my child — that ones a given), is raising the most funds ever because I've lost my child.
There. I said it (or typed it), I put it out for all to know. I want to raise millions of dollars for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation so they can find a cure for CF and I fear raising the most amount of dollars only after I've lost what I'm fighting to keep, my baby girl.
I know, I know–this sounds awful–and believe me, I keep these feelings tucked deep within – for the most part; AND it DOES NOT diminish the GRATITUDE I have for all that YOU DO AND HAVE DONE. I'm just sharing and being honest because I've seen it time and time again...families trying to raise funds and do a decent job, but it's only once their child has died that they get the most donations. SIGH!
Don't get me wrong, I get ecstatic about raising our $20,000+. Without the help, love and support from our family and friends (YOU) we would barely raise a few thousand. I just don't ever want to be in that situation that our Andrea's angels team raises $250,000 because Andrea's earned her angel wings.
Does this make sense? Sadly, I think it does.